Hi there,
Welcome to the third issue of One Good Word from Dr. Dan.
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One Good Word
There's a strange grief that comes from growth.
Earlier in my life, I was much less capable. But that meant I was much more supported.
I remember my very first date, my senior year of high school. I took a girl named Adrie to see Failure to Launch, an unremarkable romcom except for the part where a bird gets mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
The bird survived, but my romance with Adrie did not. She broke up with me via Myspace the next day. And I can't really blame her! We were young, and neither of us knew how to push past our awkwardness and have a fun date.
But even though the date was a failure, my sister made it feel like a success. She picked out an outfit that helped me feel more confident and gave me a crash course on talking to girls (sister tip #1: Even though the guy in your anime wiggles his eyebrows when he flirts, you probably shouldn't do that) She made it her big sister mission to prepare her brother for his first date ever.
And when I returned from the date, she made me feel like a conquering hero. She asked me all about it, celebrating the things I did well, and gently nudging me to learn from the mistakes that I made.
Over the years, I got better at dating. I started getting second dates instead of Myspace rejection letters. And eventually I guess I got good enough to "win" dating, because I met Elizabeth and got married.
I'm intensely proud of this growth. I worked really hard and I was rewarded with the love of my life (plus many meaningful relationships along the way).
But there's still part of me that grieves being little Dan, who could be the conquering hero just by trying. The more I grow, the more success feels like the default instead of something to celebrate. The more capable I am, the less help I need — and the less help I get.
So I've been trying to listen to that grief. I've been trying to ask for more help, and invite people who care about me to celebrate my wins. And, I'm going to call my sister this week.
I might struggle less, but that doesn't mean I should struggle alone.
I might have grown up, but that doesn't mean I've outgrown the need for encouragement.
That goes for you too — no matter how far you've come.
Three Good Things
Crow as second language, a delightfully unhinged and surprisingly wholesome video Evercool cooling blankets, a blanket with the perfect mix of texture and weight for my sensory needs. (Affiliate link, but I'd recommend it regardless - I use mine every day and I've bought two as gifts.) Saying The Magic Words, a forgotten essay from a defunct website that I read at my doctoral graduation. (It loads slowly so give it time.)
(Got a good thing you think other readers will enjoy or find helpful? Suggest it by replying directly to this email! And thanks to the readers who let me know the last week's cat video had the wrong link; I've fixed it and you can also access it directly here.)
Thanks for reading!
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Got thoughts, questions, or suggestions? Just reply directly to this email. I may not be able to respond to everyone (and I can't give clinical advice), but I do my best to read every email.
~ Dr. Dan
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